A vulnerable moment and how I tried to change it.

 

In previous posts I’ve talked about vulnerability and I’ve talked about mindfulness. I’ve suggested ways to increase resilience. Well, over the last few days I’ve been battling the clouds in my head and so I followed my own advice and I tried to work it all out. This is a vulnerable post – I’m sharing my thought processes with you to show you in a very real way how I try to kick out the demons. I didn’t mean to share two slightly gloomy posts in a row so I apologise to those who followed me for the upbeat motivation or the stories. But I believe that by sharing our vulnerable side we help ourselves, and we help others.

Below is word for word what I wrote. I started out just trying to purge in a catharsis of sorts but you will see where my brain kicked in and stopped me, rerouted the avalanche of words. This is, incidentally, why writing is so good for getting your emotions in order – the structure you impose when you write, the selection you make in the words and where you put them, helps you sort through your feelings more effectively perhaps than other ways of dealing with it.  At the end of it I find I am not ragingly happy but my mind is no longer clogged with the clutter and debris of negativity. I have managed to impose some sense.

 

I hope by sharing my thought process with you, it might help you do the same if you ever need to.

 

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It’s hard when you feel so negative but you can’t do anything about it. The emotions just roil around, tumbling in your head and your chest, batting away the good thoughts and spreading out, making themselves at home.

 

Bad mum

Bad teacher

Crap writer

Shitty friend

 

No Time.

Not putting in the time

Forgetting things

Not making effort in the right way.

Not sticking to routine

 

Eating too much of the wrong things

Hating how you look, hating how unfit you are

Struggling to change

 

 

Okay, stop – focus on that last word – struggling.

 

Struggling is not a negative thing.

 

It is a human thing.

 

We all struggle.

 

We don’t always see other people’s struggles, but they have them.

 

Struggle doesn’t mean that you are rubbish or a loser, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t trying. Struggle means that you are trying and not succeeding. It implies effort. It implies desire.

 

Existence is a struggle.

 

A struggle to overcome.

A struggle to change

A struggle to improve.

 

These things are hard, they don’t happen without effort, and even with effort they don’t always fall into place easily.

 

Sometimes the only obstacle is you – your motivation or your distraction or your lack of self belief.

 

I think this is the hardest obstacle to overcome. The most difficult to struggle past.

 

So. Change the mindset.

 

First step.

 

Counter the stupid list.

 

You know these things to be true –

 

Good mum

Good teacher

Good writer

Good friend

 

Good person

 

 

You know these things you can fix –

 

Time but lots of things to fit into that time – have to be more organised.

Some things you do need to put more time into – figure them out and then do it.

Write some lists so you don’t forget

Enlist kids to help you enforce routines

 

 

You know these things you have to just do, even though they’re hard –

 

Eat better. This is tough but is one you just have to decide to do.

Stop hating on yourself.  You know you actually like yourself really. Appearance is only one aspect of a person and you know that. You tell other people that all the time. Live by it.

Exercise. Then you won’t be unfit.

 

 

And yes, you feel lonely. Not all the time but sometimes. Remember that it is just waves and they will come and go and you will remain on the shore. Ride it out.

 

 

Let yourself struggle because struggle is ultimately progress. And any progress is good progress.