inspiration, life, Personal, self care

The ‘brooding wings’ of Loneliness

lonely woman“Loneliness will sit over our roofs with brooding wings” – Bram Stoker.

 

I was feeling down the other day. When that happens I often have no problem chatting to friends about why, but this time I felt the tight protective feeling that means BIG EMOTIONS are being felt, squashed, and I’m not sure I want to face them. I didn’t even really know why I was feeling so down (ok, I was sick, busy, stressed – probably enough reasons) but when I was talking to a friend and saying ‘I’m fine, no really” it suddenly came out. “I just feel really lonely”. Continue reading “The ‘brooding wings’ of Loneliness” →

inspiration, life, Personal

Facing Fear, Acknowledging it, Beating it.

IMG_3999

A month before my 16th birthday, on a school camp, I fell down a mountain.

The mountain I fell down was Mount Doom (alright, Mt. Ngauruhoe but following LOTR filming it’s always Mt. Doom to me). Technically, I started sliding down it on my bum first, but when the snow turned into boulders and I dug my feet in to try and slow down, I flipped, and smashed head first into the rocks. I split my face open – you could see my cheek bone through the hole in my face. I ended up with 11 stitches in my cheek, forehead, and temple – 4 fewer than the man in the hospital at the same time as me who had 15 stitches in the massive wound the rebounding chainsaw had left in his face.  I knew then that I was incredibly fortunate – I hadn’t broken any bones, I still had both eyes, and a helluva story to tell when I got back to school (and hadn’t had to deal with a chainsaw eating into my face).

What I didn’t anticipate is how much it would affect me afterwards. When my parents drove down to the national park to pick me up from hospital and camp the day after the accident, I had been with my friends and was feeling cheerful and happy, but on the drive back when we stopped for lunch I refused to get out of the car. I didn’t want anyone to look at me. Your face is so much a part of your identity that when it is misshapen by stitches and swelling and bruises, you feel monstrous. Especially at the age of 15. I was so worried that I’d still look bashed and broken by the time of the school ball and my 16th Birthday. My mother made me get out of the car that day and I’m happy she did. She taught me that strength came in all forms and sometimes you need to be brave so you can see that the stares you dread hold compassion, not disgust. Continue reading “Facing Fear, Acknowledging it, Beating it.” →

happiness, inspiration, life, motivation, Personal

Happiness – how I try and catch it

IMG_6487
Biggest son when he was smaller, in a moment of joy.

 

Happiness is something we are all supposed to be striving for and when we don’t feel it we wonder how we can catch it, pin it down, keep it.

 

I think it is useful to differentiate between happiness and joy. Sometimes we can be quiet happy when other times it’s bubbles of joy floating through us.  When I was looking up images for happiness on Shutterstock it seemed to be mostly photos of people with arms wide open, faces to the sky. Happiness as an open feeling is something I can connect to. It can be a giant feeling. But sometimes happiness is a quiet secret moment, a gentle glow. And happiness looks and feels different to different people.

 

Something I hear a lot is: ‘you’re such a positive person! how do you stay so happy all the time!”. The big secret is that I don’t. No-one can really maintain a high level of positivity constantly (if you can – get in touch and tell me how!). Like motivation, positivity and happiness need fuel – you have to put stuff in to get stuff out.  I’m not always good at it either, but when I actively chase the happiness, usually I can catch it. Continue reading “Happiness – how I try and catch it” →

life, Personal, self care

Tragedy, Heartbreak, and Healing

Love is easy to write about. It’s easy to read. We all want it, in some form or another at least. But what happens when your heart breaks? When it seems like it will never be able to love again? When you start wondering if you even believe in love anymore?

Romance stories always include a bit of tragedy, a bit of tension and conflict and misunderstandings to keep the readers or viewers desperate to find out how the happy ending is reached. But there’s usually no doubt that there is a happy ending to be had. We can watch the arguments and hurt without any real worry that this is it; the end of love.

Real life doesn’t quite work like that. Loss of love, especially love you thought was pretty solid, or love you assumed you’d work out and everything would be okay, is a wound to the soul. It turns your world around. Things you took for granted are no longer there, and with their disappearance goes a lot of your trust of the world working out okay. Continue reading “Tragedy, Heartbreak, and Healing” →

Personal, teaching

An ode to Teenagers. Yes, really.

IMG_3804

 

Most people I know, when they find out I teach at high school, shudder expressively -“how can you stand it?” they ask with a wry grimace. I get it. Teenagers can be pretty exasperating at times. But I spent these last few days with 27 teenagers on a road trip through the beautiful Bay of Islands to see the history they have learned in our classroom up close, and I can tell you this – we can learn a lot from teenagers.

 

They have an unashamed joy in little things. The beach above is Opononi, in Hokianga. They knew we were stopping there for lunch but, apart from one student who’d been there before, none had any idea of the incredible beauty of the place. They were delighted; they skipped stones, paddled in the shallows, took endless selfies of smiling faces.

 

Selfies get a lot of flack but isn’t it great that teenagers, at the height of human developmental insecurity, still want to record each moment with those they love and in places they deem beautiful?

 

They support each other. I know there’s a massive bullying issue for youth at the moment and for me that’s what makes the majority of teenagers i know, and their care for each other, so special. Words of encouragement and praise drop frequently from their lips. They laugh at each others’ silly jokes. They check in on each other when they know someone’s going through a tough time. Sometimes this takes the form of banter but often it’s a hug, a handshake, a ‘you got this’. Continue reading “An ode to Teenagers. Yes, really.” →